I think I have been using the excuse not to write because I had writer's block or something, but what is writer's block when you're dealing with the heart...?
Today, my church preached on idolatry by two different pastors, which means two different slaps in the face. I felt my heart in my throat during both talks. They weren't talking about how we worship cars, houses, materialistic things (as every idolatry talk is...) they were talking about matters of the heart. My heart is so messed up, it is so broken that I kinda wish I could walk around with tears in my eyes to explain the heartache that resides deep within my being.
I'm so bonded. I'm so bonded to the fear of being alone. My idols are actually people, relationships. I have taken that God ordained gift, ripped it from God and taken it as my own. Men could possibly be another idol, as a single female who is taking a year off of dating, I've been facing trials and temptations. My fear of being alone and flowed out of my actions, and my actions are demanding attention like a hungry 2 year old. feed me. feed me.
I've been praying for God to break me, but I didn't ask for this. Funny how we 'surrender' our life and say break me (thinking we know how and when God will do the breaking) he didn't do it when I thought he would, and how he would. I don't think I wanted to scream like a little girl in church in a very long time. I wanted to cry like child to her father for help, comfort, and just to be held...in hands that can't even be physically felt. I wanted them anyways. I need them. I don't want to be alone, and no matter how many people are in my life and people giving me attention...I want to be held by my creator...the one who knows my ugly, broken heart...
Love like a hand reaches down
And pulls us up from the dirty ground...
