breaking

I think I have been using the excuse not to write because I had writer's block or something, but what is writer's block when you're dealing with the heart...?

Today, my church preached on idolatry by two different pastors, which means two different slaps in the face. I felt my heart in my throat during both talks. They weren't talking about how we worship cars, houses, materialistic things (as every idolatry talk is...) they were talking about matters of the heart. My heart is so messed up, it is so broken that I kinda wish I could walk around with tears in my eyes to explain the heartache that resides deep within my being. 

I'm so bonded. I'm so bonded to the fear of being alone. My idols are actually people, relationships. I have taken that God ordained gift, ripped it from God and taken it as my own. Men could possibly be another idol, as a single female who is taking a year off of dating, I've been facing trials and temptations. My fear of being alone and flowed out of my actions, and my actions are demanding attention like a hungry 2 year old. feed me. feed me. 

I've been praying for God to break me, but I didn't ask for this. Funny how we 'surrender' our life and say break me (thinking we know how and when God will do the breaking) he didn't do it when I thought he would, and how he would. I don't think I  wanted to scream like a little girl in church in a very long time. I wanted to cry like child to her father for help, comfort, and just to be held...in hands that can't even be physically felt. I wanted them anyways. I need them. I don't want to be alone, and no matter how many people are in my life and people giving me attention...I want to be held by my creator...the one who knows my ugly, broken heart...

Love like a hand reaches down
And pulls us up from the dirty ground...

Lonliness and Circumstance

I sit here in an office, for four days, checking off lists, requesting more lists, answering a phone call or two, but mostly, staring at walls, hoping and praying someone could just come in.Why?I know it might sound lame, but it shows my desperation, a desperation that is caused by lonliness and circumstance. I sit here, rubbing my eyes, hoping and praying that I'll find an answer.I already have an answer.It's called the truth. The truth is, is that I'm loved and I'm saved. I know there is God who is sovereign over me. I know Jesus died for me, to meet me here, in this room. The problem is, is that I'm not listening to the answer, instead, I'm listening to the world around me. Listening to society say, why are you still single?, why are you working in a church?? why why why???the answer is jesus.This isn't just because I'm in an office, this is because God purposefully slowed me down to show me my idol, business. God put me in an office for 4 days, by myself and I know this. I know he wants to meet with me, here, with no other distractions, but yet, I go and search for the distraction instead of sitting and being still. I'm listening to the world instead of sitting and being still. I'm wandering....instead of sitting and being still. I know I need to dive into the pool of his word, but I don't want to get wet... I'm scared He's going to show me more than I want or can bear, but He wants to repair us, but that requires surgery, surgery hurts, but He'll do it with a scapel, not a hammer...So that's my prayer today, even though I feel it's too late, It's not, I think that God gets excited when his children come to his feet and say, tell me a story! I think his eyes light up :) I beat myself up for not taking advantage of my alone time, that God has so graciously given, but I will now, God can speak however and whenever he wants.So thats what I'll do, I'll get wet...I'll get broken, all for the sake of His glory, which is enough for me.

Psalm 51...I am forgiven...

i dont even know how to start this off, but God is a loving God. I started my day, withOUT a quiet time, which i was soon convicted of because i do not like my 8-10 teacher and i could tell something was unsettling when i wanted to stab in the eyes with my pencil :(i moped around most of the day, trying to take advantage of the silence but not being able to. i still didnt do my quiet time.a friend approached me this evening. i friend that i had hurt deeply but we had never talked about it. i already knew what it was. it was something in my past that was going to be brought up again and my pain was already starting to come back from the mistake i had made. after i left i cried, so hard, i wanted to cry on the floor, crawl up like a baby and have a pity party, God didnt think that was such a good idea. i was yelling at myself because i'm trying SO HARD to live out this christian life, that when i screw up everyone is slandering my name, people that dont even know me, are talking behind my back. i ran to the nearest bathroom in the building and cried, i brought my bible.i sat on the cold tile under the sink and opened my bible to psalm 51. the psalm that speaks to me and my past so dearestly. God had known my transgressions, he knows my sin, and i only sin against him, my father, my creator. i prayed for forgiveness and i felt God speak to me that my sin was already gone. that i have an audience of one. HIM. the crazy thing is that the 40days paper fell out and i noticed the psalm i was supposed to read today. psalm 51. i chuckled and cried tears of joy, that even on a cold tile floor, i was in the hands of a loving forgiving God. and even after that, the speaker at quest tonight spoke of HOSEA. that he was to marry a whore, and love her, like he loves the israelites. i kept crying tears of joy, i was the whore, i was the sinner, that keeps sinning, but yet God dusts us off from sin, gives up strength to walk with him, to sin no more and to bring GLORY, not to my name, but to his. "Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions."they are blotted out.Praise Him.-Amen

Psalm

just wanted to share what was going on. as i'm giving up worldly things, and personal characteristics of myself that are bad, i'm gaining sustenancethrough this i'm getting to know more about God, his heart mostly.how beautiful and graceful but yet disciplined.every psalm i read i write down the characteristics that i see in the pslam, i look over it and i'm in awe.i'm discovering his love for me and discovering the love and joy i find in him. pure joy, joy that will help me take a right instead of a left. my father in heaven loves me and sees me as a precious child. i've never believed that.i'm continually praying for everyone. seek him first.

Psalm 15

there has been a lot of people this week pouring into my life and there has been a common point that they have all made. one of them happens to be we have choices. we all have so many choices throughout the day, and its our decision to make the right or wrong choice. i was reading psalm 15 this morning and it just hit me even harder, the people who were speaking into my life were commentary on this psalm and i hadnt known it. crazy how God works :)it speaks of people who 'walk blamelessly and does what is right, who speaks truth in his heart and does not slander, does no evil to his neighbor and takes up reporach against his friend'lately ive been doing all of that and looked back on the choice i had made and saw where i should of turned right instead of left. i was so far from God that i was one whos eyes were vile, im the one who despised. im the one with the anger and malice and bitterness. i wasnt any of the characteristics he was speaking of. i prayed this morning, earnestly to seek the attributes that were described here, i prayed for discernment in situations, when to speak and not to speak, where i should not slander, and where i should not do evil to my neighbor. God has given me peace through this scripture and peace is one of the most beautiful gifts from God. i want to dwell on his holy hill.

Psalm 63

i dont know how wrong you can interpret scricpture. but for psalm 63, when i read my felsh faints for you, i felt that my felsh would faint, it would collapse in humility and my selfish desires would be given up in order for me to search my God.

my lips will praise you, so beautiful. beholding his power and glory, i was sitting on the road and i was in awe of his power and glory and sovereignty!
i grew up catholic so i have just become comfortable with lifting my hands in worship and i read in his nae i will lift up my hands, i want to lift up my hands in surrender, every day of my life.

"my soul clings to you" i look at it as an attachment to him, i am his child, and as a child clings to their parent, i will cling to him, my father. i read the rest of it and thought to myself people may bring me down, but thats because i'm fighting a good fight, and i need to remind myself that daily.
i am in the shadow of his wings, he has been my help, through all the times. i need to remember that too.in the midst of all this chaos, he's there, our God of salvation, his gives up and power and strength.so beautiful. I'm really starting to appreciate God's word more and more and seeing the beauty in it more and more every day.